From lap dancers to laptops...

Song Of The Day: Metallica - Creeping Death (Ride The Lightning 1984)

Alright so now that I have gotten Liverpool outta my system (My previous blog of course) I can concentrate on the matters at hand. Is it just me or have rock stars become less dangerous and more chilled???? The modern day rock star seems to have lost his/her element of rockness people! Yes? No? Maybe? Come on you gotta agree that these days rock music has become quite safe, it's almost as if it has become every little rich kids day job?

Cast your minds back to the late 70's/early 80's. How hard were bands like Led Zeppelin, Motley Crue, Kiss, Motorhead et al rocking??? But they all gained fame for their off stage antics more than for their amazing and timeless music. That's how we remember them I'm afraid! Let's be serious these days one never ever hears of trashed hotels (Unless of course it involves Charlie Sheen - God bless him), heroin overdoses, fist fights etc...etc...Rock has become way too safe. I remember the days when rock bands travelled around with lap dancers instead of laptops??? Ozzy Osbourne, Nikki Sixx, Slash, Alice Cooper, Dave Mustaine, Sebastian Bach...these dudes were all pretty dangerous and super reckless in their time. The rock stars these days care more about updating their status on Twitter rather than updating their "chick-tionary" with another groupies name! Am I wrong?

When last did you hear of cocaine induced strokes? (Thanks Steven Adler) Led Zeppelin used to have sex-capades by inserting fish up women's genitalia, Nikki Sixx OD'd twice in his lifetime, Lemmy....well Lemmy is Lemmy...a certifiable speed and Jack freak! Ozzy pissing on the Alamo, hell Ozzy snarfing a line of ants with the Crue, fuck Ozzy biting the heads off numerous living creatures. Cast your minds back to the drunken state Slash and Duff were in when they got up at the Grammy's to collect their Grammy. (I think Guns won it for best rock song or best rock band) Or even Vince Neil crashing the car that killed Razzle from Hanoi Rocks! Even in the 90's rock stars were doing crazy things. Marilyn Manson pissing on a chick and covering her with raw meat is quite high on the list. How amazing is that? That's rock n' roll!!!!

These days rock stars gym like sportsmen and they actually read through their contracts. They don't sport crappy prison tattoos. They take vitamins, they have personal trainers, iPads, iPods, laptops, play stations...I mean WTF????? When did they replace the "Sex, Drugs & Rock N' Roll" ethos??? Any of you ever read Motley Crue's autobiography "The Dirt"? Crickey, those kids lived in a house dubbed the "Motley House" and for years they literally lived off drugs and cheap prosies. Getting into fights and getting arrested was the order of the day. Gang bangs grew on trees and cocaine and heroin became the new breakfast. Bands like Motley and Guns literally sold drugs and women to get money to buy instruments, pay rent and survive. The original hellraisers!!!

Now I pick up the Metal Hammer or Kerrang and I read about how the guys start their day with an hour's training with their personal trainer. They are on diet pills, supplements....they eat healthy. I mean, huh??? Don't get me wrong, there are still dudes out there that live rock n' roll to the bone but one senses that the days of snarfing ants, licking piss, assaulting neighbours with wine bottles (Will the real Axl Rose please stand up?), biting off bats heads, signing record deals in blood and and and...are pretty much gone....In fact the only dudes still making splashes these days seem to be the old school, original trouble makers who every now and then step outta line. You can't stay sober forever, hey Slash??? :-)

We need more rock stars like Blackie Lawless (The Love Machine) or Chris Holmes. (You guys remember that documentary "The decline of Western Civilization: The Metal Years"?) Alice Cooper and Ozzy Osbourne. Nikki Sixx, Iggy Pop, Lemmy, GG Alin, (If you guys have never heard of him, please do yourselves a favour and google him.) Duff Mckagan and and and...

God bless the hellraisers and death dealers of the 1980's! We salute you crazy madmen of rock!!! \m/ 

Wimps and posers....well um....leave the hall!!!!

Liver-Blog F.C.

Song Of The Day: Here To Stay - Korn (Untouchables 2002)

Ok, so those of you who either know me or have been following my poor excuse for a blog will know that I am a staunch Manchester United supporter. My loyalty for them came about some time during the winter of 1989 when I was in Standard 3 and I have since never looked back although if West Ham United weren't in relegation I would consider a change of scenery. So you must all be wondering why the fuck I have decided to blog about the big enemy, Scouse-pigs FC???? Well, it is pretty simple, 70% of my mates support the pigs and I am sick and tired and seeing the depressed look on their faces every time I hook up with them so seeing as if my blog saved Berbatov's career, I somehow hope it will do the same for the big enemy so that I can stop watching grown men cry.... (Note to self: It sent Rooney's career further down the toilet.)

So Ramjee's this one is especially for you guys. (Dodgy, Leb-Boy, you dudes too....) Alright, I am not going to sit and wax lyrical about Liverpool, as we all know I hate them. (Not as much as Chelski or the City scum!!!) But I hate them none the less. But guys, let's be fair they are still the mighty Liverpool and seeing them linger down in 19th spot leaves a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth. What I like about the Liverpool fans is their loyalty and their passion for their club. I have never in all my years of supporting English football met a fair weather Liverpool fan. And people, one needs to respect that big time! We can insult them all we want but they still are and I guess will forever remain the real deal!

So I have decided that this is how I want the next couple of weeks in the Pools' life to go....first they must lose to Backburn at Anfield this weekend and West Ham must win their game. That will thus thrust the mighty Hammers (Only club I recognise in London) above the 'Pool thus leaving them in 20th spot. Yes folks I will be a very happy little Porra! I will then take my Canon camera and take a photo of the Premier League log (Depicting the enemy lying dead last.) and I will use it as my Facebook profile pic. Got it??? Dis mooi ne?

Right, then Hodgson will get fired and thus will begin Liverpool's slow and painful Summit to the middle of the table where they may even bump into Manchester United. (Things are not going well at Old Trafford folks, pits of my life.) But people. what the fuck has happened to the mighty Liverpool???? I mean let's be fair, the Premier League needs these cats...I blame:

Yip, fagboy Torres!!! Or was it Liverpool that fucked him up??? You guys remember the days when Torres scored plenty goals? Being a Manc I do and so does Vidic! So come on you Spanish girl, sort your crap out and help these poor dudes....Let's be fair on form you are the bees knees so stop being such a fag and please bring a smile to my mates faces? So I hope you are reading this you Spanish goal machine (Why am I being so nice???) and read the lines below and I sincerely hope it inspires you to be like Berbatov and save your club from certain relegation: (Promise my fingers aren't crossed.)

Fernando proved he's still a Red - Torres. Torres
The transfer talk was shite he said - Torres. Torres
He told the papers where he stands,
He loves the club and he loves the fans,
Fernando Torres - Liverpools number nine!!!!

Ok, enough about that! I felt sick in my gut just writing that! Good, but what of Stevie Jesus....What is to become of that dude? Hey Stevie, how many clubs are going down this season?

Nice one china! Glad you know! But I am sure you guys won't be a part of those three. Dude, I know times are tough and the load is heavy but you are Stevie Jesus after all. Enough is enough. Sort your shit out and invoke the spirit of Keegan, Barnes, Dalglish, Beardsley, Fowler et al and drag your team out of the gutter, no not Anfield the gutter!!! I have already ordered a couple of those power machines them Chileans used to save the miners. Should be arriving at the Liverpool port shortly. It will hopefully dig you lads outta the pits you find yourselves in.

But on a serious note, Liverpool is the most succesful and famous of English clubs (After United of course) and it would do the English game a grave injustice to see them go down! The Premier League needs Liverpool just as much as Riky Martin needs his man lover or Lindsay Lohan needs her booze! I seriously hope the new owners sort stuff out quickly and I sincerely hope to see Liverpool back to winning ways. Believe it, 'cause it's true!!! So Torres, Gerard, Meireles, Agger, Carragher, Babel, Rodriguez, Kyrgiakos, Skrtel and co...get your fingers outta your arses and join me in the recital of the famous Liverpool anthem (Words to appear below) and let's together try salvage the good name that was once, LIVERPOOL!!!!

When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho’ your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never, ever walk alone.

---

Deeepppaahhh!!!!!

Song Of The Day: Round And Round - Ratt (Out Of The Cellar 1984)

Ok, today's blog will be short and sweet but I think it will be to everyone's benefit! You cannot die until you check this ridiculous clip out! We need to be aware of what is out there! I am not entirely sure what goes on in Uganda but this will give all of you a fair indication.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euXQbZDwV0w

All hail Pastor Martin Ssempa!!! What a certifiable clown!!! I wonder what research he did???? He seemed to know all the bedroom activities quite well....me thinks the good pastor has partaken in some of those hideous gay acts himself! Sis my bru!!! WTF????

I mean really, WTF???? How much deeper did he want to insert his arm??? And to make matters worse....

Well to make matters worse he still has the audacity to chase the under 18's outta the hall halfway through his pathetic speech!!! Rated PG18...only then??? God help us and the poor gay dudes in Uganda!

Anal licking? Anal fisting? I think the good doctor needs a dose of those big muscular gay dudes who prowl the grasslands of many of our Virgin Active's. They will show him how deep they go....

I'm only gonna say this once...God save the gays!!!
'Till next time folks...
DEEEEEPPPAAAHHHHH!!!!!

The Springbok Nude Blogs

Song Of The Day: Hot Cherie - Hardline (Double Eclipse 1992) [Maybe even song of the week]

Back by popular demand, the blog to destroy all blogs....for how long you ask???? Not even the replicator knows... Ok, so over the past couple of weeks (While I was fart-assing) I decided to can my team of the week, player of the week bullshit because to be fair "Who the fuck cares?" but an honourable mention must go to German football club Mainz for being the legends that they are! Well done to the current kings of the Bundesliga! We salute you!!! Or at least I do.... :-) End of....

So yesterday myself the Dodge, the Leb, that Precious guy and the Dodge's boss went to Emmarentia Dam (Somewhere in Joburg) to attend a small music festival called "Rocking The Gardens" and although there was almost no rock to speak of (Yes, Flash Republic are the pits!!!) we decided to drag our carcasses to Joey's on a Sunday in order to witness a SPRINGBOK NUDE GIRLS comeback show....yes folks you heard me right....the kings of SA rock music reformed (Albeit for one weekend) to kick some ass again and being the sentimental, emotional wod that I am I decided to relive my varsity days and formed a small team of eager young space cadetts and off we went to the dam.

Unfortunately prejudice had to rear it's ugly head and due to time constraints and and and....(Shit organisation in brief) the afore mentioned Nude Girls could only play a 30 minute set. (Six songs to be precise - R20.00 a song to be even more on the money or at least outta money) Yes that does suck big pig bollocks!!! But those six songs were ama-ama-amazing! And despite the band's every effort to continue playing after 18:00 the festivals organiser threatened to pull the plug on the band! Arno Carstens and the boys: I salute you! For 30 odd minutes I felt 21 again! Hee Haa!!!!

Now something I found super strange was that there were kids who attended this fest who had no cooking clue about who the SPRINGBOK NUDE GIRLS are or were???? WTF???Yes I know, super sad! So I would like to formally introduce you guys to the greatest SA rock band on planet SA.......

Ladies and Gentlemen....I give you the SPRINGBOK NUDE GIRLS aka The Salvation Of SA Rock Music! (Not the Parlodicks or Prime Faggets!!!) From left to right; Arno Carstens, Arno Blumer, Francois Kruger, Adriaan Brand and Theo Crous! Fucking legends yeah? Oh yeah! Formed in Stellenbosch in 1994 and first watched by myself in 1997 they soon took over the SA music scene with their very catchy blend of ska rock/punk rock/alternative rock and etched themselves in our hearts and minds foerver and ever. Genie, Little, Stay, Unworldly Beauty, Smiley Skull Of Faith, Giant Love Affair, Blue Eyes, Baby Murdered Me, Managing Mula, Spaceman, Supergirl and of course Chappies On My Tekkies (Bubblegum On My Boots) are songs that quite simply have no equal people! And to be frank there are a lot more where those came from.

Check out this link for a little bio on the band; (For all you people that have been living in a cave with Mrs. Pless) http://www.nudegirls.co.za/bio. And for all you people that really have no clue about what their tunes sound like check these links out; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJTPXU9ybTU, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbcWGkIFddc, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-fybcbc04Q, and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAGskbHI2Ws. Just a couple of tracks to wet your collective pallets....before you go out and buy every single CD of theirs of course!

Nude Girls, SA music needs one more album from you chaps! Come back outta retirement and save us from the plague that are the Parlodicks! This is a call for a proper comeback and a host of shows including one or two in Pretoria....Nude Girls, you are our ticket outta here....

Zebra And Giraffe...

Song Of The Day: Megadeth - Tornado Of Souls (Rust In Peace 1990)

Player Of The Week: Dimitar Berbatov (Manchester United) [No Duh!!!!]
Team of The Week: Benfica [Two big wins after a disappointing start.]
Coach Of The Week: Your guess is as good as mine....

So today I am going to introduce the world to two of the most controversial figures ever.....ZEBRA and GIRAFFE and I don't mean that boring as fuck SA pop band but rather the real ZEBRA abd GIRAFFE.....It's ZEBRA country baby.....

Above you will see the sideways version of a photo taken of ZEBRA and GIRAFFE'S latest reincarnation. They have (Fortunately or unfortunately) taken the form of two rather funky key rings (Thank you KP) but they have been known to take other more dangerous, more illustrious forms...

Who or what exactly is ZEBRA and GIRAFFE? Just like coach of the week, you're guess is as good as mine but what I do know is that I will never ever mess with this unstoppable force. Ask Billy Talent during their epic performance at Oppikoppi this year. Once the sun set and the fly swatters came out.....BANG!!!!!.......we were in ZEBRA country. And boy did we enjoy it!!!! The flags were waving to the sweet sounds of the wind whilst the ZEBRA'S galloped and the GIRAFFE'S retreated to the shady areas. By now it was dark and only the chosen few were able to see these wonderful creatures in their full Northwest glory. The Northam skies erupted and exploded into a mass ball of ZEBRA and GIRAFFE and we the innocent bystanders watched them as they danced, jived and rocked out to the sounds of the Koppi...

The beers flowed and the pizza crust hardened but the night just got funkier and funkier with the sounds of each sweet ZEBRA gallop. But the question at this stage was; "Where was GIRAFFE?" GIRAFFE retreated back to our tents waiting for ZEBRA to arrive and thus complete the final step of their mating ritual. Where do you think little ZIRAFFE's come from??? To my frineds that attended Oppikoppi with me and had to put up with me and these fine, young ungulates you all know what I am blogging about. For those of you who do not have a cooking clue....thanks for reading this pile of hogwash thus far. You will be rewarded! How? Only ZEBRA and GIRAFFE know!

So if you're in trouble and you don't know who to call, just yell out their names and they will make a swift entrance and you to will enter the realms of the ZEBRA and of the GIRAFFE! Remember we did not create ZEBRA and GIRAFFE.....the drugs did!

Stay drug free and I know this blog has absolutely nothing to do with DIMITAR BERBA-BLOG but how awesome was his hat-trick yesterday??? Scouse ounks that question was directed at you chaps....

Half Blog Half Machine....

Song Of The Day: Skid Row - 18 And Life (Skid Row 1989)

Team Of The Week: Hercules (Spain) [For kicking Barca's ass - YAY]
Player Of The Week: Matthew Gilks (Blackpool) [Well done son]
Coach Of The Week: Carlo Ancelotti (Chelsea) [Yuk, but I guess credit needs to go to where it is deserved!]

Alright so a couple of blogs ago i decided to go off on a tangent and praise Dimitar "I am so incredibly priced" Berbatov and guys so far it's paying off. The boy is jamming!!! And so perhaps my blog inspired him. So this week I decided it is time to blog about God, I mean Wayne Rooney! Ladies and gentleman half man, half machine - let the HAMMER FALL!!! I present to you........Wayne "God" Rooney...............

The world's greatest player! (Well at least according to me) I think I chose a pretty apt time to wax lyrical about this footballing genius! What with him being in the press and everything for banging prostitutes. Colleen ain't happy and divorce is on the cards! My boy is taking some strain! So I am hoping that these few words will inspire him just like they inspired his Bulgarian buddy, Berba! (Although to be fair Berba needs more than just words.)

Rooney we LOVE you my china! You are the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be....ok but you're not George Best! You got nothing to prove! Fuck all the haters and naysayers, we are right behind you. (Whose we? Well that depends I guess) You have done it before and will do it again. Remember women come and go....football is forever!!!! United's game this weekend was the pits of my entire weekend. I am still trying to get over it! I just bet that if Wayne were there things would have turned out differently. Goodison would have seen their ex "good son" rock the very foundations of where he learnt to kick ball.

I don't care if he doesn't score for England or if he comes on paid holidays to South Africa to sit and do nothing, all I need him to do is to score for United! Fergie, play the boy, he is made of steel not clay! Wayne won't be phased by all those crappy, cheap English tabloids, he plays on 10!!!! Tomorrow night we begin our Champions League campaign against Glasgow Rangers and wouldn't it be great if Wayne repeated his goal scoring performance of his debut Champions League game against Fenerbache! You guys remember that sweet hat-trick?Come Wayne you can do it....

All eyes will be on Old Trafford tomorrow night as God, sorry again I mean Wayne dazzles us with his skill, power and goal scoring prowess. The Theatre Of Dreams beckons.....Half man, half machine....Let the HAMMER FALL......Come on boy, you're a red!!! Let's get stuck in! Make the Stretford End proud! :-)

I saw my mate the other day,

He claimed he'd seen the white Pele,

I asked my mate what's his name,

He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney,

Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney,

He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney!

Ok so how much more biased could tonight's entry have been???? I know, I know....

Rivetheadzzzz......

Song Of The Day: Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) [Dr. Feelgood 1989]

Player Of The Week - Klaas-Jan Huntelaar (The Netherlands) [A hat-trick to start his Euro 2012 qualifying campaign off with]
Team Of The Week - Cyprus [Sorry Portugal but you guys suck]
Coach Of The Week - Carlos Queiroz [How awesome must you be to get banned for six months as you are protecting your druggie players? Priceless!!!]

Ok so this is a raver:-

Or at least it's as accurate as I can get... And this is a cybergoth:-

Or at least as accurate as I can get it. (She's also pretty hot!)

So my issue for today is why do cybergoths and ravers hate each so much???? At least that's the idea I have gotten over all these years. The similarities between them are super startling. For starters they both dance the night away in dark, dingy clubs to super fast (120 BPM or more), repetitive electronic music while rushing their melons off on ecstacy or acid! They are both famous users of cocaine/kat or any other drug which they can get their grubby paws on and crickey they even wear the same clothes....well almost! I have mixed in both circles over the years and the similarities between these two sets of primates are amazing! So why do they hate each other so much?????

A local goth/alternative club in my hometown, Pretoria has a sign by the bar that says "Ravers don't tip!". How quaint and hypocritical! Goths never have money to tip!!! The minute they take a whiff of a raver in their establishment, the goth patrons withdraw into the dark corners of the club to assess the situation or simply just to bad mouth the poor, coulourful raver. And the same can be said about the ravers. Problem is the rave culture has a couple of massive, coked up buff boys who will not withdraw into dark corners. On the contrary they will encounter gothboth face to face and smash the poor dudes head in. Not nice people!!!!! Not nice!!! You guys are all distant cousins man!

So many EBM songs and dark electro songs get remixed by top hard house DJ's. On the top of my head I can think of the Warp Brother's remix of E'Nomine's "Mitternacht" but there are hundreds others and the same can be said for some of the rave DJ dudes. Has no-one ever thought of organising a rave/goth party for the sake of world peace???? After all cybergoths and ravers are all RIVETHEADZZZZ....They dance the same, act the same, almost look the same....hell they even land up having long, debaucherous after parties after the club closes at someone's house. The funny thing is every family has a goth and every family has a raver! And how do they hate each other???? HAHAHAHA!!!! Why must they all be so elitist??? God, they even share the same homeland, Deutschland!!!

One thing I must say though, is both sub-cultures have the hottest chicks in the tightest clothes. Oh look another similarty! Just mentioning to a goth that I attended an H20 party or spent the night at Nexus sends shivers down their proverbial spine and vice versa. Their immediate reaction is "How can you mix with those trendy fags?" Excuse me???? I have had the pleasure or displeasure of attending these cybergoth parties where the DJ whips out a hard house song from three years ago and sells it to his dance floor as a new, cutting edge German industrial/dark-electro song. Ha, and the druggies on the dance floor buy it! You can correct him all you want but the coked up bastard will be too arrogant to even give you your five cents worth! How many times have I attended a rave and heard a nice dark electro song mixed in for good measure. Afterwards I go up to the DJ and he'll say something like "My bru, this isn't a goth club. See any bats? We just play cutting edge German hardstyle!" Sound familiar??

You take your pick! which one do you prefer? I have spent enough time with both to love and hate them equally! Come on you druggy twits, you're all the same!!! You are all RIVETHEADZZZZ......now please let's get the party started! :-)